Staff writer - Maria Costa
“Black men scare me”.
“Why?”
“I worry that they’ll charm me half to death, I’ll fall in love with them, get pregnant and then he’ll walk out, not to be seen again for a decade or so”.
This isn’t just the sound of one woman’s fears; it’s a statement that is often echoed throughout many a female conversation – but is it true?
I suddenly thought of my initial taste of what it was like to be with a man who was originally from the Caribbean…
…What D lacked in academia, he made up for in charm and appeal. He was fun, thoughtful.
His chocolate brown eyes, which would appear permanently teary, would bore in to me and I welcomed every stare with open sight.
As with any woman in love, I wanted to know everything (I don’t just mean the classic ‘What are you thinking?’ question).
I wanted details; childhood, family, friends, ex-girlfriends and everything in between.
My persistence paid off and I learned of his vivacious mother, his gorgeous 2 year old son, his talented footballer brother and his fun loving Uncle A from South London.
Regardless of how un-nuclear families have become; when we think of them, the first two people to enter your mind are the mum and the dad so my next question was inevitably going to be “Where’s ya dad?”
It was after this question I realised that the teary eyes had a name – ‘My absent dad’.
D had met his dad only a handful of times; he knew nothing about him and sooner wished him dead. Unfortunately, D was not as far removed from his father as he would have had himself think; he himself had not seen his own son in months.
Cultures can often be described as the long-term behaviours, attitudes and traditions shared by a large group of people and communicated from one generation to the next.
What exactly is the reason for the absence of many Caribbean fathers in their children’s lives?
Innocent black baby
Once upon a time 400 years ago, black slaves were forced to sow their seed and move on, an action resulting in the inevitable cause of promiscuity.
As with all injustices, it ceased to end there; black men were fathering children but were not allowed to play the spouse or father role.
And so it was born; the exclusionary nature of Caribbean fathering! And sadly this has continued well in to the 21st century with children of absent fathers performing poorly at school and being raised in poverty.
The End.
Is that the end? And more poignantly, is this a story you would like to tell your children?
Hope arrives in the fact that we have the power to change the ending of such a tale.
Aren’t our well-informed minds more powerful than the cultures we have overtly evolved past?
Perhaps the solution lies in social maturity; having a child only where emotional, financial and mental security has been met.
So the next time someone generalises that Caribbean men leave their children, what will you say?
You can always blame tradition but then someone might retort that it is also tradition that things should and always do change.
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