Dear Jade, I can’t seem to leave the man who treats me badly!

| March 6, 2012

Dear Jade,

I’m a 38 year old registered nurse and am writing to you for advice concerning the relationship I have with my partner of 14 years. We have two children together aged 12 and 8 and I feel as though I’ve stayed in this relationship for so long for their sakes. We’re very different I am quite shy and will do anything to keep the peace and he’s loud argumentative and never takes my feelings into consideration. I’ll give you an example, I work long hard hours as a nurse and when I get home I’m expected to not only cook dinner and clean-up after the children, but have sex with him as and when he demands it. His bad attitude including name calling has left me feeling cold towards him and I can’t really stand for him to touch me. On the rare times that we do have sex I want it over and done with as soon as possible and I only do it to keep the peace because if I don’t he’ll accuse me of having another man. I can hear you say ‘all of this and still you stay?’ But I’ve tried to leave so many times but keep going back because of the children and also because I’m nearly 40 and to start over all again! Do you think things might get better?

Leave him! Photo courtesy


Hi Lorna what a heartfelt letter in which I really do hear your pain and despair. Well let me tell you something this to me sounds like a living hell, but unfortunately not as uncommon as you might think. Lorna you’re 38 which by anybody’s standards is far too young to resign yourself to living in misery. This relationship sounds so problematic on so many levels, you’ve been together for a long time and relationships either get better with time or the passage of time reveals that the people involved have grown apart and it’s time for them to go their separate ways and start life anew. You say you stay in the relationship for the sake of the children but do you honestly believe that they want to see their father making their mother so unhappy? What is this teaching them about relationships and how men and women should relate to one another? Your children are old enough to understand and pick up on exactly what’s going on and in the long run they won’t thank you for having stayed in this awful situation. You mention that you work long hours and what I think that you’re really saying here is you’d appreciate some help which should go without saying in a relationship. On the subject of sex you don’t want him touching you because of the lack of love and emotional support he shows you. You’re supposed to want to have sex with your partner and the fact you don’t means that you no longer feel trusting and comfortable with him, which is understandable because of the treatment you’ve received. Please look at your situation honestly, if it was your daughter going through this you’d demand that she leave and you must too.   You will find love again with a man who loves and appreciates you, starting over is your only option as this is the way to truly make sure that things will  get better.

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Category: Agony Aunt

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